Other Writings
by Adveline J. Minja

OUR CHILDREN, OUR LOVE, OUR LIVES

"Our love for our children should be measured not by how we failed to make them become what they wanted to become, or what we wanted them to become, rather, by what we tirelessly did or can do to make their lives enjoyable, joyous, and promising as we trod in this world." — Adveline J. Minja


Keeping a Balanced View: Share Your Thoughts:

As we enter the 21st century, children comprise our most valuable resource. Even before I became a parent, I knew that I would be one and have children whether from my own womb or other sources; I would have children to love and to care for. I never stopped to think how I would raise my children. I always have this good picture of family and parenting. I visualize how my family and children would grow up and become. After today, I will still be thinking about this good family and good parenting. I knew that parenting would kick in naturally once you have that child, and parenting is a natural thing. I am not a naïve person. I was just wrong. I needed more than parent’s instincts, maturity, and what my parents could pass on to me as my mentor.

All I want for my children and self as a parent is to give my children a memorable, secured and happy life and to be a guiding light to my children. Of course, this has been every parent’s wish. All parents want their children to have good, secured and happy life. I have never met a parent who knowingly or deliberately tries to make his or her child’s life miserable, fearful, incompetent, inconsiderate, worthless, or obnoxious.

All parents want their children to be smart not ignorant. We want them to be hard working not lazy. We want them to be neat not messy; we want them to be polite not rude; we want them to be respectful, resourceful, delightful, inspiring, and self-control; but not resentful, terrorist, diminishing, and impetuous. We want them to be content and happy but they are greedy, depressed, desolate, and unhappy.

Families come with all sizes and shapes, and so as our personality profile. No one size fits all and so as our life struggles. With our strengths to sustain us we can rise, and /or our weaknesses to fail us. Nevertheless, failure should not be an option, rather a battle worth fight for, when it is about keeping your family together. What makes one family content and happy may not make other family content and happy. What we parents did not know is that parenting is a great job-a full-time job, and complex one. Like any other full-time job, it needs preparation, skills, continuous learning process, and above all endurance. We did not know parenting and raising a child is going to be not only demanding but also challenging.

Everyday is a new day in parenting. It requires the unity of many because each child comes to the earth with full loaded codes. Some we can maneuver the formula for the code. Others require more of everything to figure it out and get it right. Parenting is like sculpting lesson. You have to clean the studio, prepare the clay, and molding that clay to a fine piece of art. A child is like clay. A parent’s job is to mold that clay to a fine piece of art, a fine child.
In the process of molding, you must capture his expression. An expression of everything-sadness and happiness; despair and aspire; anxiety and comfort; life and death, and many more.

To raise a child in today’s fast-paced and complex society requires undivided attention of every parent, teacher, and community. The active use of the five senses must be put into practice all the time. Your eyes need to fly wide open and look at your child’s face and breathe in the smells of him. Is it a dangerous alarming smell? Listen to his voice when calling you. How many voices you hear! Reach out to his hand and walk with him, to feel the heat or cold in his body. Is he craving for the right foods? Taste your child’s life experience by putting yourself into his shoes-be there with him! Surely, you cannot capture all the art of sculpting to a fine piece of art without the help of and unity of others.

“I dreamed I stood in a studio, and watched two sculptors there, the clay they used was a young child’s mind, and they fashioned it with care. One was a teacher; the tools he used were the books, music, and art; one was a parent with a guiding hand, and a gentle, loving heart. Day after day, the teacher toiled with touch that was deft and sure, while a parent labored by his side, polished, and smoothed it o’er. And when at last their task was done, they were proud of what they had wrought, for the things they had molded into the child could neither be sold nor bought. And each agreed he would have failed if he had worked alone, for behind the parent stood the school, and behind the teacher, the home.” ~Unknown~.

What I am trying to say is that, raising well-balanced children is not easy. It is sometimes too tough, but it is very possible and real. As a parent, I never accept to fail on this important role no matter what challenging behaviors my children pose before me. Challenging behaviors in children is a speedy growing problem in our families. Our fast changing modern society comes with all the ammunitions whereby all of us are caught off guard unprepared to fire the shot.

How can you defend yourself from falling into this trend brought by this fast developing modern technology? The children needs guidance in this complex and out of control spinning world, and the parents need tools to understand their children’s mind set as well as theirs. This fast-paced society of today is changing our way of living. Our life styles are changing in unimaginable ways in comparison with any of the previous generation, leaving us all scrambling for our families’ survival- the survival of the fittest.

Think of today’s technology-the information technology. The information is being transmitted faster than the speed of lighting- all caught unprepared with all that been exposed to us all (children and adults). What should we do? We cannot keep up with the pace, and it is not what we need, want, or like to see in many instances. Its not only how can we measure the degree in which our children can understands what is being exposed to them, but also if we the adults understand what is been exposed to us too.

Fight the battle, and you will emerge victorious if only you seek the strength, perseverance, wisdom, and above all the knowledge to guide you through the journey. Nobody come to this world knowing that he will become a president, a teacher, a doctor, a beggar or a homeless. Every life starts with parent and discipline. Parenting and disciplining your child is a learning process. With open-mind, attitude and commitment not to fail yourself and or your child, you will succeed in the end.

Successful parent learn from their children and never let their children’s challenging behaviors keep them from enjoying their children. You can discipline your child and your child will still love you, and love your child even when he says “no” to you. Have parents stopped being parents to their children? Since when have we started seen our own children not good enough to fit in our own families or own homes?

The moment you give up on your child, is the moment your give up on yourself, for you will never enjoy him and never ever have joy on yourself either. Giving-up on your child is equal to giving-up on yourself-and this will hurt you as long as you live. I love one of the Mother Teresa’s passage that, “If we cannot love the person whom we see, how can we love God whom we cannot see?” Therefore, here is what I intend to share with you-what my children have taught me so far. My article can only help you to learn some discipline strategies or techniques I have learned and used with my own children, and the children I work with.

As I mentioned earlier, as we enter the 21st century, children comprise our most valuable resource. Today’s fast-paced society has created new and challenging pattern of life style. Children are growing up exposed to things we ourselves were not exposed to when we were growing up. Now than ever we are struggling to make sense of it-what to let our children exposed to, and how to disclose some of the exposures, which are harmful and poisoning our children’s small minds. Our modern society has created its own means of destructions-it is becoming a stumbling block to many of our children as they too struggling to make sense of what they are exposed to; how to fit-in –to fit-in in school, in the community; fit-in with other children and to distress to many children now, to fit-in into their own families. This fast pace life style surround us all overwhelms us all.

When did we start to see that our own children do not fit-in in their own families?

Whatever your family situation with your children, I strongly believe that a power of a parent can lift up a mountain because if you start judging your child, you will be having no time to love him but judging him. Use all you have at your disposal to get your child back on track and into your arms.

Again, here is one of my favorite, “The Parent’s Creed”,

“If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and
friendship,
he learns to find love in the
world”.

Indeed, if children live with love, they learn to love, if children lives with hate, they learn to hate. I love the fact that I am a parent. I enjoy being a parent. In fact, the idea that I am a parent first overweighs the challenges I face as parent with my children. I hold a strong belief that when you educate people (young people –children) as well as older people (parents-adults) you liberate them from most life’s obstacles they have been facing. More importantly, you encourage them to see the possibility life can bring and inspire them not to loose hope, not to settle for anything less than the pursuit of positive change and ultimate joy and happiness life can provide. Achieving success in life is on the eyes of the beholder. You dream it, you visualize it, and you pursue it. Any one can achieve success if you give it a try, and refuse to fail, i.e. if you keep trying.

When I had my first child, I was unprepared. Though thrilled to have become a parent, I did not know anything about parenting. I was scared at times because I was so far away from my family, and so immediately, I started reading a lot about first year of the baby and parenting. Whether I was at the doctor’s office waiting for my turn, I will look for any readings about children and parenting. I subscribed the Parenting Magazine for five years; any information I could get about parenting and raising children could not pass my eyes. I started thinking about the life of this child I brought to the world. I started writing poems about him and one of my favorite one, which also appeared in the book of collections of poems, “The Echoes of Yesteryear, The International Library of Poetry, 2000 reads:

To My Son

You are young and unaware of life.
You are brought to the world, to have a
life to live. You will grow big, and be
aware of life. Life is full of mysteries,
there are times it can be sweeter,
and there are times it can be bitter.
Life is a long journey, and you can not see what lies
ahead. You have become a man,
you have become a symbol of life. Your
life must have a purpose, a
reason to live a life. You must
conquer your life, as long as you live.
When you become a man, your pathway
is made clear and the journey you
begin. When the road is long, rough,
and steep, you must continue on
life’s journey. When days are
long and nights never end,

Remember that you have life to live.

You have probably heard that children are who we (adults) are. Meaning, children are copies of us- they are reflection of us. Does it mean that when my child make poor choice is my fault? In other words, when a child does wrong is it because the parent of that child did wrong? Should we focus on what children do wrong and what parents did not do right? Alternatively, should parents learn what they can do differently or perhaps how they can be partners with their children in dealing with challenging issues in their lives?

All parents have the same goals and aspirations for their children. I have never met one single parent, no matter how burdened he or she might be, have different wishes and wants for their children. All parents want children who are loving, respectful of others, well behaved, self-motivated, independent, resourceful, useful to their society, and productive citizens. Like wise, no parents want their children to be disrespectful of others, low self-esteem, demoralized, useless and dependence, to mention but few.

Now, our role as parents is to work towards our wishes and wants from our children. Never before have, had the parents wanted their children to be the leaders of tomorrow in all areas of life-successful intellectuals, future presidents, doctors, teacher, architects, soccer players, builders, and productive citizens. To some children those wishes and wants from their parents may come easily, but to others they may come with many of struggles, handful support, and assistance.

How then can we help ourselves to better help our children to become who we want them to become is the fundamental question You and Me to answer, taking into consideration our moral and ethical responsibility as parents.